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a walk in the rain

by Lila on April 2, 2014


It stormed on Monday, thunder and lightning stormed. I like the rain, like how fresh and clean the world feels while being drenched. I like the sound against the windows. I like stepping through puddles in galoshes.

This rain arrived at the perfect time. It is hard to believe I have been a mom for almost four months. I delight in it, am shocked at the patience I find in myself, and am struck by the joy of little things. I also have never been so challenged, or had so little sleep, or battled so hard to decipher reality through a fog of emotions and exhaustion.

The battle that is currently raging is that of sleep. Just before the storm hit we decided to start sleep training. I didn’t want to. I’m still unsure of how I feel about it. Day after day I wanted a magical switch to flip and help my baby snore through the night, but when Grayson went from waking every two hours, to every one hour, to every forty-five minutes my belief in the magical switch faded.

I tell myself that to be a good mom I have to sleep. I tell myself that because we go in regularly to comfort him and assure him that he has not been abandoned that this will not scar him for life. I tell myself that learning autonomy is a good thing. I believe all of this, but it doesn’t help when you hear the cries and see the tear-stained cheeks.

We started Thursday. Thursday was awful. Friday, wails turned to whimpers. Saturday whimpers were occasionally interrupted by babbling. And then, as if by magic, Grayson slept through the night on Sunday.

The morning sky was filled with heavy clouds that broke open as we were preparing to meet our friends at the Cal Academy of Sciences. We walked out the door. I was questioning my sanity for heading out into such serious rain and my apprehension grew as thunder cut through the air and lightning flashed.

With Grayson’s warm body tied to mine, I stepped out of the parked car into the rain. The sound of large drops of water hitting the umbrella drowned out the rest of the world. Grayson’s eyes were wide. He looked around, soaking in this new experience. He seemed mesmerized by the water falling past him. I stepped in one puddle after another in my black and white galoshes and then stopped.

I stood in a puddle with the sound of the rain washing over me and my little human held tight to me. I wasn’t sure if it was the extra sleep, or the warmth of Grayson’s little body, or my love of ┬áthe rain, but in that moment I felt a deep gratitude for the privilege of the time I have been given to be with my baby. I stood in the rain and watched those big blue eyes take it all in. I was so glad that we went out in the rain.

Grayson hasn’t slept through the night since, but that moment of clarity and gratitude, standing in the rain, hasn’t left me. I hold onto it as I wake up to comfort my crying baby and trust that adventuring out into the storm can lead to something wonderful.

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